Unlike when Jordan Riley was born, and I was so quick to sit and write and write… I’m finding it much harder to do so with Mya Sage. It’s been fine for me to recall bits and pieces here and there, I think because in little doses, I can handle it easier. But, to write her whole story, from my perspective – knowing to do it, I will likely need to sit and write, start to finish.. it’s felt overwhelmingly sad, achey… a place I just don’t want to go again. *takes deep breath*
Monday, October 17 @ 10 a.m. (I’m not going for exact times, in general)
I don’t usually sleep well and Sunday night was no exception. I was up late, unable to fall asleep and dosed fitfully until I saw dawn creeping in the windows. So, when my phone rang around 10, I almost didn’t answer it. It was one of those feelings that I should, so I did.
I heard Cassie sobbing on the other end of the line. I asked her “what?”, but in hindsight, it was a question I knew, just didn’t understand. Much like a child will say “what?” to something when it’s not the words they didn’t understand, but the meaning. She didn’t answer me, it sounded like someone was in the room with her and she was talking to them – though I wasn’t sure what was going on, it sounded like she was talking to a nurse. And I tried to fit things into place, what she said to understand – and I thought, ‘something is wrong with her birthing at the birth center’.. which, in and of itself didn’t make sense.. nothing really fit.
Both boys heard me ask Cas “what” and both went on alert, stopping what they were doing to listen to and watch me. So I’m sure I knew what Cas said to me, my tone of voice had to have alerted the boys that something was wrong, really wrong.
When she came back to the phone, and told me “They can’t find the heartbeat…” What broke my heart right then was her cry when she told me she couldn’t take it, couldn’t handle this.. I think I opened a door in my mind and hid part of myself in there. I don’t know how I got through the next few days if I hadn’t. She told me they were sending her downstairs for an ultrasound – I told her we were on our way. Both boys and I quickly threw on clothes and were out the door.
On my way to the hospital, I called Bob, Emily and Barbara. I cried and cried.. Got to the hospital, wiped my tears and hurried in to find them. After some debate about where she was.. we were told to go up a few floors to the perinatal imaging office.
I walked in the door, and I knew right then, there was no hope left that here had been a mistake. I could see it on every woman’s face in that office, they knew the anguish my family was facing. And part of me wanted to tell them No. Tell them I’m not going in their office, I’m not going to follow them. I don’t want to hear it. And all the while I followed them back to the room, with each boy trailing in line behind me, I knew what was happening, and that as much as I wanted to turn and go the other direction, I couldn’t.
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