Mya Sage – Stillborn Granddaughter

Unlike when Jordan Riley was born, and I was so quick to sit and write and write… I’m finding it much harder to do so with Mya Sage. It’s been fine for me to recall bits and pieces here and there, I think because in little doses, I can handle it easier. But, to write her whole story, from my perspective – knowing to do it, I will likely need to sit and write, start to finish.. it’s felt overwhelmingly sad, achey… a place I just don’t want to go again. *takes deep breath*

Monday, October 17 @ 10 a.m. (I’m not going for exact times, in general)
I don’t usually sleep well and Sunday night was no exception. I was up late, unable to fall asleep and dosed fitfully until I saw dawn creeping in the windows. So, when my phone rang around 10, I almost didn’t answer it. It was one of those feelings that I should, so I did.

I heard Cassie sobbing on the other end of the line. I asked her “what?”, but in hindsight, it was a question I knew, just didn’t understand. Much like a child will say “what?” to something when it’s not the words they didn’t understand, but the meaning. She didn’t answer me, it sounded like someone was in the room with her and she was talking to them – though I wasn’t sure what was going on, it sounded like she was talking to a nurse. And I tried to fit things into place, what she said to understand – and I thought, ‘something is wrong with her birthing at the birth center’.. which, in and of itself didn’t make sense.. nothing really fit.


Both boys heard me ask Cas “what” and both went on alert, stopping what they were doing to listen to and watch me. So I’m sure I knew what Cas said to me, my tone of voice had to have alerted the boys that something was wrong, really wrong.

When she came back to the phone, and told me “They can’t find the heartbeat…” What broke my heart right then was her cry when she told me she couldn’t take it, couldn’t handle this.. I think I opened a door in my mind and hid part of myself in there. I don’t know how I got through the next few days if I hadn’t. She told me they were sending her downstairs for an ultrasound – I told her we were on our way. Both boys and I quickly threw on clothes and were out the door.

On my way to the hospital, I called Bob, Emily and Barbara. I cried and cried.. Got to the hospital, wiped my tears and hurried in to find them. After some debate about where she was.. we were told to go up a few floors to the perinatal imaging office.

I walked in the door, and I knew right then, there was no hope left that here had been a mistake. I could see it on every woman’s face in that office, they knew the anguish my family was facing. And part of me wanted to tell them No. Tell them I’m not going in their office, I’m not going to follow them. I don’t want to hear it. And all the while I followed them back to the room, with each boy trailing in line behind me, I knew what was happening, and that as much as I wanted to turn and go the other direction, I couldn’t.


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Mya Sage – a stillbirth story by Cassie

This is the stillbirth story of Mya Sage, written by my daughter Cassie.
Mya Sage stillborn October 18, 2011 at 6:50 a.m. weighing 6lbs 11 oz and 19.5 inches tall.

I will go back through later and add pictures, as we’ve got many and would like to share. As of this posting (10/21), I am not pre-reading this – I still have my story to write and don’t want her story to mix with mine in my thoughts.. will go back through it later.

Posted with permission.
In my daughters words, her story, written to her angel daughter….

I keep looking back to yesterday. I know I felt you.. I just know it.. I swear you had hiccups just last night, yet I sit here second guessing myself. Did I feel you pushing your little tooshie up into my ribs? Or jabbing your hand into my cervix?

Daddy is home today, on a Monday. Very rare. I’m so excited he gets to come to one of your appointments. The last one he went to was when we got to see you at 10 weeks – all gummybear-ish and perfect.

We’re driving, joking about today being a nakey-butt appointment. 36 weeks – they’ll want to do the Group B Strep culture. Daddy questions the need for a naked butt when they’re testing for Strep (you know, mouth swab, teehee).

No wait in the waiting room this time. A refreshing change from the typical 1hr+ wait that Anna and I typically endure.

180lbs. Uggh.. been sick all week, and I still packed on the pounds!

The nurse is nice today. Small talk about the weather being chilly, and the prediction of rain all week. She questions movement two different times this time. Odd, but I give it no second thought.


Mik comes in. She’s always so friendly, just chit chatting away like we’re old pals. Pulls out the goop and the doppler.. no instant heartbeat, like normal. I’m distracted by the chit chatting at first. She moves to the other side, nothing. The bottom of my belly, nothing. I start to wonder why you aren’t squirming away from her prodding. Mik speculates that you’re back is against my back, but I know better. I say something about Yaya losing your aunt Jordan years ago. Mik is reassuring, trying to distract me more with small talk, but still not finding your heartbeat. I know that if you were still in there, we would hear your placenta at least. We would hear something. I would feel you seeking escape from the invasive doppler.
Nothing.
I know you’re gone, and the tears start rolling. I call Yaya and sob to her that they can’t find your heartbeat. She says her and the boys are getting dressed and leaving.

Mik sends us for an ultrasound right then and there. Daddy keeps asking if everything is alright – he even suggests grabbing a cup of coffee to get you going. I tell him coffee doesn’t make a heart start beating. I think it scares him. I feel bad.

We’re in the dark ultrasound room. The tech is very sweet. Actually, the whole staff is.. but they know what has happened. I can see it on their faces. The sympathy. I ignore it, and tell myself it was a technical error with the doppler. We’ll see that beautiful heart beating on the screen. But deep down inside, I know it’s not the truth.

You’re on the screen. So still. Like a photograph. Your big sister sees you and says, “Look, it’s Sissy!”. Before the tech announces it, we know. There was no little flicker. No anything.

All the tech says is, “I’m so so sorry”.. and it sets in. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.

You were just there. You were just rolled up in my belly, making me uncomfortable as you try to stretch and make yourself comfy. You just had hiccups.. Letting Anna feel them and giggle. How did I not know you were gone?


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Homeschool er.. Roadschooling – Six for the Road, on TLC


I got this message from one of my Ohio Homeschool yahoogroups. It’s about a family who got “tired of it all” and decided to sell everything and hit the road in an RV with 4 kids, 3 dogs and a hamster.

They have a show on TLC, called Six for the Road, journaling their travels. It airs this week (website, dates & times below) and I’m looking forward to watching it… I never watch tv. And my apologies, lately I’ve been to sick (and getting sicker) to even do much on the computer. wah, I know.

-:-:-:-:-

Hi I was wondering if you could pass this information along to your group.

Hi my name is Kati Loud. My family and I are homeschoolers. We RV full time and we have a show airing on TLC called Six For The Road It is about our life and journey. One year ago we gave away and sold everything we own and bought a fifth wheel and hit the road. We realized that we became caught up in life and became so busy with daily routines that we needed to take back our life. So we did what we have always dreamed of. We decided to leave it all behind and we have never looked back.

We love roadschooling! We have enjoyed learning so much while we are on the road. We have been able to learn hands on in the most able places. We have been from Williamsburg to the Toilet Seat Museum. We have been to NYC and experienced the big city and we have been to a small town in Tennessee to help tornado victims try to put their life back together.

We have done this as a family and we have loved it.

It is hard to go from 3500 square feet to 300 square feet. We have four kids. Two girls 15 and 13 and two boys 12 and 10. We also have 3 dogs and a little hamster. Life in an RV can get really crowded and hectic but it is fun. The first 2 episodes air on October 29 Eastern Mountain and Pacific time zones are at 10:00pm and Central is at 9:00pm. Our next two episodes air on November 5th. Same times. Each night they will show 2 episode in a row. Please watch and help us show how many homeschoolers may be interested in a show like this. We are on right after Jon and Kate plus Eight. Our production company also does there show. Please pass this info along to anyone that you think may be interested. If you would like TiVo the show and even turn all your TV’s on to help our numbers:-) We also re- air that night at 1:00am if you want to TiVo that also 🙂

We have a website at www.ourloudfamily.com We are having our site re built and it will be 100% in a week or so. We have a great forum for homeschooling info, travel ideas, etc. We have our blogs that are stories and pictures of our journeys. We do have a contest right now . We our looking for people to help us design 3 new bumper stickers. There is a $100.oo first prize for each one. Here is the link for the dimensions etc Loud Family Bumper Sticker Contest – Win Big Money

If you go to our site you can sign up as a member. By doing this you can get Homeschool deals, travel deals and updates. We also have a MySpace type program for families. This is a safe MySpace type page program without a lot of junk added. Just go and design a page. We have around 200 homeschool members right now. This has been a fun way to meet other moms and to see pics of each other’s families and learn about their styles and making new friends.

We will also be on the TODAY show October 29th during the 9:00 am hour. They may have a glimpse of the show for you to see. If and if you enjoyed the show and you would like to let the network or our producers know go to our website after the show and we will have contact info for you.

We would love to have you pass the word to all that you can.
Happy trails to you and hope to meet some of you soon our travels.
Kati Loud
mom@ourloudfamily.com
momofmy4@msn.com

Kissing and Rubbing Owies

I sat at work today, with a headache, an achy tush (I swear, where they took the catheter out not long enough, a nerve was damaged.. so now I’m getting pretty intense nerve issues running from my right butt cheek down mid-thigh… horrible!) and trying desperately not to dose off. All the while I would drop a few entrecards here and there.. I have to be careful about posting and such. Even though we are slow, the boss gets grumpy if he sees me typing too much at a time.

I come across Melanie’s post Kiss It and got the biggest chuckle.. I think I can up her one (or maybe not.. maybe all mom’s have been here).. Ry, my youngest, at about 3 is all about “kissing” his owies.. (and still is very much so at 4 years old even) gotta rub them and kiss them. I don’t blame him.. I mean, it *does* feel better to have most owies rubbed.

As a side note, I have always called them owies, even though the society “norm” is boo-boo.. I just figure we typically say “Ouch”, or “Owwww” when we get hurt.. never once have I stubbed my toe and said “Oh booo.. booo… booo…” Just doesn’t make much sense to me… and well, Owie does.

So, Melanie’s Hailey needed her butt rubbed.. and yes.. as you can guess, needed it kissed.

Well.. Here’s my tale.. Ry.. got bumped or kicked or whatever in the privates and I get a “Mommy.. My penis hurts! Rub it!”…

To which I replied as loving and soothingly as I was able.. “OH hunny.. I know it hurts.. but really, we don’t rub a penis to make it feel better like that..” (all the while trying to maintain a straight face. I may be 37-38, but I’m telling you this was hard!)

Demanding personality that my little taurus is, he insisted that not only must I rub it, I must kiss it too… Oh, lordy.. children services would be on me like.. well.. wow..

In the end, we were able to settle on a leg rub instead and a forehead kiss.. but this was by far the funniest “owie” situation I’ve ever had to deal with in all the years and kids I’ve raised.

BTW, I have been known to kiss a tush to make it feel better.

Parenting – Leader – Role Model

Even though this is my “momma” site, I don’t usually talk much about parenting. I’m not sure why that is.. maybe because when I do think of a really good post topic it’s usually 3 in the morning when I think I’m awake enough I’ve surely remember, and in reality, I’m so not.

But today, something happened I felt would be a good topic.

My boys are 3 and 6 – in less than 2 months they will both jump to their next age. They are both sensitive, usually considerate, though they have their moments – for the most part, you won’t hear me complain.

They are home schooled and don’t get around other kids to play a whole lot.. but Thursdays has become routine to come to work with me and play with 2 other kids – brother (6) and sister (2nd grade).. *my* boys were fighting at one point to the point they were hitting each other.

I let Bob (dad) handle it since I was working. But when Tege got really vocally upset, I went to see what was going on. Bob had them both in time out. Time out is fine, necessary at times for a cool off, or just for new direction.. however, in front of friends, I disagree with. Because this is a similar situation to what Bob and I dealt with in past year with our two girls, I told him under my breath he should have had the boys come out of the room if he were going to give time out (or any punishment)… Apparently, Tege would not leave the room at the time… I told Bob, again under my breath, he should have then asked his friends to leave the room.

My point with Bob was don’t embarrass our kids in front of their friends. Kids are learning and treating them in a thoughtful manner will develop a strong respect… respect goes both ways – but it’s my opinion we give respect to our children for them to learn to respect us.

As parents we can be leaders for our children; guide, teach, encourage.. I am not a perfect parent, I don’t hesitate to apologize to my children for mistakes, and sometimes, I haven’t made the best decisions in life, for which I tell them that I can’t easily change how things are, but look, see what I do wrong and try to make better choices for yourself. In other words, become a good role model for your children. Teach them to treat others how they would want to be treated and to not be embarrassed to admit mistakes.

I love being a mom. I don’t think I could handle any more kids – the only time I imagine infants now is from a grandmomma point of view! Just not too soon!! People talk about favorites.. what I tell my kids is “You are my most favorite ? year old in the whole world” (inserting child appropriate age,of course).. so I can tell each of them, always, how they are my favorite.

Sick Tege

Originally uploaded by madaise.

I hate when the kids are sick… they will rarely take medicine, preferring to tough it out..

Tege lived on fla-vor-ice today and burrowed into a pile of cushions and blankets on the couch.. I worked, but he had grandma to keep him company (and she did my dishes AND laundry.. yes.. my mil is a keeper!)

Thankfully, no pukies or otherwise.. just fever, achiness, stuffiness and a sore throat.

Hopefully whatever I had 2 weeks ago is enough to keep this bug away from me.

I love you so much

Yesterday, Ry climbed in to my lap and said “I love you so much.”

To which I replied, “I love you more than there are fishies in the sea…”

And he finished, “and higher than the moon.”

I’m not sure which book I got that out of.. I think it was Nicholas Sparks, Love at First Sight. It’s been a while since I read it (actually, it was on audio), but I think it was Jeremy Marsh’s mother who said that to him as a child.

We’ve had fun making our own variations on it… such as, over the summer… I love you more than there are mosquitos in the backyard (of which we have more than too many).

First lost tooth – 5 years 4 months

Teigen lost his first “on his own” tooth a couple weeks ago. He’s had so many teeth issues… when he discovered his tooth was loose he tentatively told dad there was something wrong. I was at the store at the time. When I got home, T said “I’m loosing another tooth, momma.”… My heart just jumped and my stomach lurched. He really cannot afford to lose any more of baby teeth that aren’t ready yet. Of course, there is nothing we can do about his body rejecting them, either.

I immediately sat down for him to show me and to my surprise and great relief it was one of his front, bottom baby teeth – one of the few not capped. I was so excited I think I scared him, but I quickly explained it was such a good thing!

It was actually really loose. Enough so that it was bothering him when he ate. Cas gave him a warm wet washcloth and told him when she was little she’d use the washcloth to wiggle the tooth until it came out. Sure enough, within a short time, he was holding his first tooth.

The Tooth Fairy brought him a whole dollar.

The very next day, he says “momma, I think I have another loose tooth”.. sure enough, the one right next to it is loose too. That one, however, is still there.

A friend told me how loosing the first baby tooth can signify growing from a toddler/little boy, into a bigger boy. She explained it much better, but what I gained from it, and am able to apply to T is he’s getting older, bigger, smarter (always smart, but learning ever so much), and with it, come responsiblities… he’s learning more “in (home) school” and has taken on the chore of making sure the dogs have food (and helping with the cat too).

Sweet Sixteen – Happy Birthday Cas

Cas turned 16 yesterday. She celebrated first thing by us going to the BMV and her taking her driving test – and passing. She drove herself to work, the guys sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to her (except one of them) and were all surprised she got her license ON her birthday.

Got home and was ready to leave to get her boyfriend from school… and the car wouldn’t start. In the end, she did have some wheels to tool around a little bit, but it wasn’t “her” car… of which, she is now “in love” (a month ago, she hated it). Her cousin and uncle came to the rescue and managed to fix a few little things (Thank you Zach and Dan), which Bob and cousin will work on more this weekend.

Tonight she was having dinner with her dad’s side of the family. So strange for her and Em to leave without me or anyone else.

About 2 1/2 years before I start driver training all over again with Em. wow……..

From Co-Sleeping to Hotel Living

For 5 years, we shared our king-sized bed with first one boy, then added another boy.

A few months ago, we added a twin mattress.. it helped spread us out a little bit, but very little.

Finally, 2 weeks ago we bought a full size mattress set. Because of the way the floor plan was in our room, it wasn’t going to fit with everything else. So we switched rooms with Cas – about the same square footage, but more rectangle than square shaped. Walking in to our room, with our bed and the new bed, separated by a makeshift table (really, a couple of stacked totes filled with toys), and Bob says “Our room looks like a hotel room.”

If only we had a bathroom at the end of the room.

I was pretty certain Ry would easily to separate beds, as he was the one who slept in the twin next to my side of the big king. Well, in truth he and I took turns sleeping on the crack of the two beds. It was a little odd, because for most of the night, both boys would sleep close to me – I never had much more room than I am wide. So, even adding the twin, I didn’t gain any extra sleeping space. So, Ry did adjust well to sleeping in his shared bed. He has a little table (another stack of toy crates) which hold his water cup next to him… and when he wakes in the night, he simple sits up and says “Momma, come over here”…

I didn’t think Tege would move very easily. But, surprise, surprise.. he was happy to get his own space. Since our beds are pretty close still, I don’t have to get up when he wakes (as with Ry).. I just stretch my foot over to him and we both fall back to sleep.

The first night, I had a worse time sleeping than either of them. I tossed and turned and didn’t fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning. The next day was terribly long.

I loved co-sleeping and snuggling with my babies and then boys as they grew up.. but I’m so happy to have my bed back, my space, knowing I can roll over without fear of waking one of them. ~~~ stretch ~~~