Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly


There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I dunno why she swallowed that fly,
Perhaps she’ll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly –
Perhaps she’ll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd, to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly –
Perhaps she’ll die

There was an old lady who swallowed a cat.
Imagine that, she swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird …
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she’ll die

There was an old lady who swallowed a dog.
What a hog! To swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat…
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird …
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she’ll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog …
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird …
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she’ll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a cow.
I don’t know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat…
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog…
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat…
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird …
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she’ll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a horse –
She’s dead, of course.

Bad Day – Adult Humor

I debated sharing this.. received in email and I just got such a chuckle out of it..

~:~

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…”

Work and Lazy Co-workers

There is nothing like working your butt off all day, day after day… and a new person getting hired in – apparently to shoot the sh!t with the boss all day long.

We all have our lazy days, or even lazy moments if nothing else.. I know… but geez.

I was zipping around some entrecard blogs today and came across this list that hit my funny bone just right. Jokes@Jdonut.com posted Some Useful Condescending Phrases … I won’t post them all.. but these couple in particular really fit for me today:

— I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
— I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
— I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
— I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

And this one…
— My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
really it’s .. my pens.. my stapler.. my tape!… where’s my stuff!!

work… sigh… I think I’ll go buy a lottery ticket.

9 Words Women Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying #%&@ YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement; meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real! Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

The grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital.

She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me
how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room
number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room
302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.” After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, “Oh,
good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her
physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
shit.

No Nursing Home for Me

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand,” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap, and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

ps: And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side — at no charge.

A Woman Should Have…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
One friend who
Always makes her Laugh…
And one
Who lets her cry..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A feeling of control over
Her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to fall in love
Without losing herself…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
When to try harder… and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That she can’t change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she would and
Wouldn’t
Do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to live alone…
even if
She doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can’t,
And why she shouldn’t
Take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Where to go…
Be it to her best friend’s kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods…
When her soul needs soothing… !

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she can and can’t accomplish
In a day…
A month.
And a year…

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Ft Worth. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging straight down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING STRAIGHT DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope,’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING STRAIGHT DOWN BECAUSE IT’S ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!!’

To which Margaret replies… ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’